Summary: Once thought to be lost forever, this found and remastered episode takes a dive into the root cause of unmet expectations. Expectations – Are you shooting at a moving target? Phillip and Benji share examples and laughs as they draw out a 4-step system to alleviate day-to-day tensions that we all naturally assume are “common sense” to our spouse.
“Tension arises when we are silently pursuing our own assumptions.” – Phillip Enkey
Austin Powers massage – https://youtu.be/gxTnttLjHiE?t=42
Notebook (parody) – https://youtu.be/IJqocn5KoKk
The Incredibles – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4J-Fuo0vLE
In this episode:
- Asking what they want vs. what they want to experience
- Follow-up questions for indecision:
- “Well I don’t know either, but I want to get you what you want; so just take a minute and think about it.”
- “I don’t care that much either, but I just want to give you the experience you’re looking for.”
- “What is it that you need right now? Is it time away from the kids? Do you need entertainment? Do you need just need to relax? Do you need to feel special? Do you need to go somewhere new?”
- Avoiding the question barrage
- Discover what they need, that will tell you what they want
- “Stop trying to pick the solution to a problem you don’t understand.” – Phillip Enkey
- “We can come to a much better solution when we understand the objective – the ‘expectation’.” – Benjamin Boekweg
- Fixers vs Feelers
- “Listing off different option while can be helpful but it’s essentially assaulting brain’s process of trying to find out what you’re expecting.” – Benjamin Boekweg
- “Try and offer experiences, instead of an event.” – Phillip Enkey
- Instead of throwing out suggestions and having her mentally run through her checklist of “will this place fulfill what I need emotionally/socially, etc.”, you can have her tell you what you ARE looking for and you can filter out your suggestions based on those answers.
- Communicating expectations:
- Decide on what you expect – Make a decision
- Find out their expectations
- What does it look like?
- What do you want to have happen?
- What do you want to see it becoming?
- What do you want to get out of it?
- What would you like to experience?
- Whad do you want to feel?
- Practice communicating your expectations and finding theirs
- Make Plans for the day/month/event based around what you are both expecting
Understand – Clarify – Communicate